never have phone sex with a hardcore republican during this health care crisis . just dont.
walkin home..,.jsut saw the cheshire cat
watch out for the queen of hearts
fuucck i forgot ab her
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
Pitchers of shots should be outlawed. I've puked more than i've breathed in the past half hour.
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
He brought me breakfast in bed after our one night stand. Beer and Cheerios I may come back to this place
Aaand now my client contact has seen your boobs.
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
She paid me 300 bucks to spank her and call her Baby Jane. Then we drank half a bottle of sippin whiskey. I'd call it a twelve out of ten.
Just don't do anything stupid
i did a stupid sorry
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
Guy just rode past on a lowrider bike smoking a blunt, I want his life
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