so i realized that everyone figured out i was a slut before i did. then i realized that no one felt like telling me. sometimes i think you just keep me around for entertainment.
you're right.
We dont have to go to dinner or anything gay like that. I just wanna do it.
I absolutely love you.
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
not to mention it took an hour of antique roadshow to calm my dick down
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
Im celebrating the fact that the one guy who has ever denied me has just come out of the closet
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
Great. Now I'm always going to be the roommate that boned a guy with a third nipple.
So his mom walked in the kitchen while I was sucking him off and just casually suggested that "I'd need a glass of water after that"
I feel that it is my duty to the human race to invent a colon squeegy
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
I hope you get stoned and think that you're a seal in shark infested waters
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
kind of bad when u call a cop an asshole for driving you home from the bar
Randomize
