No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
Party priorities: alcohol > girls > music > cups > decorations
My bed became a clown car for his family....I'm not ready to get married
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
It was weird. Like "Mom, Dad, here's a guy who knows my orgasm face".
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
I have green food coloring in my hair and just got a text from "Guy in the Yard"...so this morning is going just as you might imagine.
and then i signed some dudes back with a turkey hand print in honor of thanksgiving
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
I had a dream he was standing in front of me naked and flexing while yelling VICTORY and gizzing all over the floor.
Did you survive the Atlanta roadway snowpocalypse?
All the bars are closed. Might as well be dead.
Do you think it would be a margarita if you just out tequila in a sonic slush?
He was nothing but deer-caught-in-headlight eyes and dick, it was adorable
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