cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
I cant help but queef when the male extremity enters
What is a male extremity?
i didnt realize it was that long since you've had sex
doing lines of blow through a tampon applicator in the study lounge at 7am so i can finish an italian composition that was due a week and a half ago...such a good student.
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
They let me out of the holding cell just in time for me to get the morning-after-pill. Rock bottom feels even worse with all those hormones.
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
It's official, I need to start putting my vagina's needs before my own.
I didn't know what happened last night until the bruises in the shape of hands showed up on my boobs. Then it all made sense.
I yelled kanye while he was fucking me. It just felt right
Come now. I'm bloody but I'll give you the best fuck of your life.
We also had a full on debate about how realistic and useful teleportation and time travel would be...and only used Twilight Zone episodes as "scientific evidence"
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
I miss my bedroom and my bed and being able to spray myself with my choice of 15 different perfumes so I don't have to wake up to the smell of my past sins
I had a dream that I was smoking rasberries out of a bong. THEY WEREN'T EVEN DRIED...
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