And mexicans. My burrito likes you.
I wish I could punch you in the face.
Fake titties should be able inflate and deflate like tires. So on Saturday you can put on your Double D hooker titties or Sunday put on your size B church tits.
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
Well that wasnt the exboyfriend i expected to hook up with today
Please tell me why your entire hallway smells like microwaved condoms.
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
Its not that I don't mind giving her as much as my penis as she wants, its the post sex cigarette I have to supply. Shits $9 a pack.
Put a tip jar next to your bed from now on.
Your good ideas are reason #4 we need to live together.
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
An d I'd rather cry while putting a waffle in my mouth than cry on my pillow, ya feel me?
Your trash is full of condoms and yoohoos what a great life we live
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
In a few weeks I'll be a beautiful butterfly and me and my cat will have to repopulate the earth. WE WILL REBUILD!!
Saw throw up in the parking lot at work, glad I'm not the only one. But now the search begins.
Mary's wearing shades at her desk, brilliant!
Randomize
