i'm out of smokes so i just had an after sex popsicle. this might become an addiction.
my text book just quoted the cookie monster
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
I woke up naked this morning there was a baseball bat on the floor the bathroom door knob was removed and the floor was wet. This is why i don't do Tequila shots.
he threw up all over himself while laying down.. it was like watching old faithful, but with noodles and vodka
I wish they had an "I'm Stoned" genre on online Netflix
She just got out of the car and said "hold on purse.. It's going to be a bumpy ride"
deryk tried to steal your screen door and i think sam and brent are duct taping lauren to the diving board.
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
Pizza and koolaid didn't even make me feel better. This hangover means business
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
She gave me a collar. When I asked what this was for she replied "I'm taming your dick"
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
Randomize
