God is so good, I would give him a blow job right now.
this is ridiculous... i look like a white version of MC Hammer...
failed my one goal of the day: wake up before 2 pm.
I just wanna not walk straight. Is that too much to ask for?
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
Its like after 6 beers, the clap doesn't scare me anymore.
It's stupid hot. I just want to be laying in a bathtub full of margaritas
I'm beginning to worry that I seem to get along best with people when I'm naked with them.
I AM CRUING IT IS 93:2 AM AND I AM CYGIN INT BED
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
Sorry I got completely naked in your bed, but I feel our friendship has grown because of it.
Just come home. We will have sex and Taco Bell. I'm feeling wild, I put on temporary tattoos.
Slammed 3 beers and just bowled a 129\nI guess alcohol IS the answer
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
This year my vagina is giving thanks that several of my cubs are coming home for the holiday
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