my phone needs a breathalizer
I'm going to rape someone's good day.
Anderson Cooper interviews Obama. It's like CNN is teasing and broadcasting my dream 3 way.
Its a Guy he gets weed for. I'm kinda confused as to why there are going to even be tuxedos involved at all.
Covered in gravy. Never pour gravy while drinking.
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
Dude, jerking off when you're all hopped up on pre workout energy supplements has got to be the greatest thing I've ever done.
Laying on a pile of just out of the dryer clothes because this is NOT real life.
Just had sex to Jesse & the Rippers. Can check that one off the bucket list.
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
I had to fake it. He was punching my vagina like it owed him money and enough was enough.
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
Somebody broke the sliding door, and someone ripped the toilet seat off the toilet. So yeah, pretty typical friday night
He sided with his father, so I slashed his tires. I’d say that’s a fair trade.
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