my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
In the middle of blowin me she stoppped and told me how easy it would be to insert a catheter ..... Apparently she was a nursing major
It's sad that my net worth at the moment is 4 beers
Ok, let's play "if you were a slut" again and try and retrace our steps last night..
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
I'm missing some hair, but it's cool. Breadsticks are done.
That's true. There's really no bad time to take a Vicodin.
It is the Reeses peanut butter cup of pharmaceuticals.
Not sure. All I know is that she has a tight dark green skirt and I will not rest until I have used my teeth to rip it off of her
All I remember is folk music and a lot of drugs. I am never going "on an adventure" with you again
I'm going to assume that "the army of generous folk dancers" is no longer a goal you are willing to fulfill
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
How does one acquire holy water?
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
Why are there naked heterosexuals in my apartment?
Randomize
