i learned a valuable lesson last night. sometimes nice girls finish first. twice.
you knoww youre high when you are just as concerned as the contestants on ultimate cake off as they move their 250 lbs cake over the ramp
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
Dude, you need to come clean your dates vomit off the ceiling. What in the hell were you guys doing?!
hotel security told us you walked into the hotel with blood all over your dress, weren't wearing any underwear and were escorted back by three men who were believed to be "homosexuals".
Well I disagree, 3 different men in my bed over my birthday was the perfect way to say goodbye to my childhood innocence
I keep replaying commercials about kittens frolicking and was crying nonstop. WILL MY PERIOD LAST FOREVER!?
We enjoyed our moment of partial gayness together
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
Guess who just got caught by mall security having sex in a car in the parking lot... at noon. This chick.
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
Idk... he wears anklets.. i dont think i can get past that.
he's so hot I'd consider breaking the whole, "till death do us part," agreement he's currently in
No I come to this class stoned every week. Except last week when I was drinking in class
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