she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
I just chased the everclear with Listerine...I think I found my new chaser!
Just saw a girl i'm pretty sure is simultaneously jailbait and a milf. I never want to leave mexico.
I don't care. I'll be that guy that eats cake in a car. Alone. With the doors locked.
Take this only to mean that we love you, but we're having a serious, half-hour, hypothetical discussion about how far we think we could throw you.
Its not college unless your study breaks were to go throw up from blacking out the night before
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
Discovery: bouncers seem to get really upset about fire
How bad is it I'm looking at his cock while waiting to see my therapist?
We were all day drunk by 2pm. Now I know why they hate Americans
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
WELL THEN WHAT DAY IS IT?!?! This whole having to choose between ruining my future and ruining my liver is totally killing my vibe
He fingerfucked me in the hot tub and then we had sex in the wine cellar. See thats why I like partying with rich people
I just drunkenly emailed my feminist dissertation as a resignation letter for my call center job. What am I doing with my life!?
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