I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
Her boobs are too amazing to be looking at my dick. I'm even ashamed.
I am a terrible person. This is almost as bad as when I was going to see my ex while my boyfriend was at that funeral.
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
And I think short bridesmaids dresses are the best idea especially for bathroom sex
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
Its like her house is inhabited by 50 year old lesbian water color artists with a throw pillow fetish
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
In my dream, you became a famous tap-dancer. Congratulations.
I woke up in a strange bathroom. Was I blonde when you left me last night?
Why do pants feel so unnatural once you enter your own house
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
I want you to defile me in my childhood bed.
Omg dude take a shower. You'll feel like god washed away all the sinful shit we did last night.
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