Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
You were doing downward dog and puking off my deck at the same time.
A picture just appeared on facebook. I am puking in the toilet, you are next to me puking in the sink. I think we have our christmas card.
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
It was going alright when lo and behold Tom the cock blocking tornado hits. He is the only man I know who doesn't want anyone to fuck girls.
I don't know what happened. His phone, shirt, shoes, and the condom wrapper are here but he isn't. I don't even know how to get a hold of him right now
Its honestly only a matter of time before I punch him in the face... I'll try to control myself until you guys break up
He got you flowers. How bad can the sex really be?
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
He said he loved me more than Kel loves orange soda
the result of growing up in the '90's
This may sound strange but do you have my pants?
You tried to trade them for some girls skirt... So she has them...
So naked ping pong was a mistake... Looks like we were attacked by an octopus.
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