I checked into jail on foursquare
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
Oh just living the dream. And by living the dream I mean drinking franzia out of a martini glass and watching family matters. Also, drinking every time Carl Winslow has a mustache and Eddie wears MC Hammer pants
You tried to call "time out" during the sobriety test.
Human Centipede: The Drinking Game. This is non-negotiable. First one to pass out the rest of us get to FEEEEED THEM!
Yes, but it's not new to me. It's like every time a new guy finds out I'm a squirter it's a novelty so they make me squirt and squirt and squirt until their bed is completely soaked. And then afterwards they complain that there isn't a dry bit to sleep on. No shit Sherlock.
It was one of those "how did I get to my bed and what am I wearing" mornings.
my ass is still wet. this is highly unpleasant. give me 5 to get changed and I'm all yours. or you can yell things to me while I shower and burn clothes
Got to work this morning and thought... Did I really dance on that pole last night
I pretended to be blind and he pretended to be my assistant and long story short, we had to buy that bra and panty set, and now we're both banned from Victoria's Secret AND I have a cum stained demi cup.
Congrats! Its a fuck boy!
These morning walks of shame have became my morning jogs
I am drunkenly riding a razor scooter up and down the hills of Cincinnati
What in the fuck are you doing with your life
What's a sexy way to say balls deep???
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
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