We are allowed to think Jacob from Twilight is hot in 468 days!
I don't know what is sadder, the fact that you figured that out or the fact that I can't wait until then!!
Does having sex in the men's bathroom on the boardwalk count as having sex on the beach?
My neighbor is on the his front porch in a robe dipping a popsicle into what appears to be vodka. I want to be his son.
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
If she gets mad at me, that only means more free time for me. I like to put myself I win win situations. Despite being in a relationship, I still find ways to accomplish my goals.
I called 911 when they kicked me out of the bar last night.
You know you gave a quality blow job when you have to ice your neck and jaw the next day.
As much as I want you to bang someone other than me, he is an asshole.
Remember that guy that walked around our house naked with a boner wearing nothing but his winter coat? Well, he has a kid now.
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
may or may not have entered into a gay civil rights discussion with 6 year olds. Hint: I did.
You planned on giving him head in the shower?
More like I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
Randomize
