Call meee
Ok, but just to warn you, I'm as drunk as a Kennedy right now...
I wont touch it. I promise i wont touch it. JUST GET UNDER THE DAMN TABLE PLEASE.
i rewarded my self with tacobell for not throwing up on any one. MISTAKE
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
It's a sad statement on my day when the high point was getting a pap test.
I figured it out! The supermoon explains how I managed to have sex with 3 dudes in 3 nights without leaving the apartment.
Yes dating, but it seems easier to just live in a perpetual state of Netflix, internet porn, and cheese.
They're letting me in by good graces, I can't show up with a fist full of dildos
Can you repeat that, but with context?
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
Woke up with a girls naked next to me I had her thong on somehow.
there is a naked boy in my bed & you just need to kick him out because i do NOT want to see him when i'm sober.
Randomize
