I can't make any promises. I've tried my best to stay celibate. But if a guys on top of me, Im gonna tell him to stick it in.
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
and after you realized your puke was bright blue, you started crying hysterically and screaming, "I DON'T WANT TO BE A SMURF!" no more uv blue for you.
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
HOW DID U BEAT A GAY GUY IN GAY CHICKEN?
At what point in my life was I not hugged enough to be on my fourth walk of shame in half as many weeks?
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
You went around chanting "dinosaur period" and drinking tomato soup from the can.
Would you be mad if I just used the argument "I'm allowed to say that, my best friend is a lesbian"?
Never. I'm proud to help you win arguments.
This guy punched out a light, puked in the sink, stole the mailbox, then tried to tell ME that I had to leave the party... Then his dog shit on the floor.
When i'm home next we need to get baked and go to waffle house. I want to see if the waitress can still guess my intoxication level and what i'm about to order before i even make it to the table.
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
He has fairy lights round his bed.. And played Jamie cullum when we had sex... Hes batting for the other team right?
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