Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
so, the parking garage attendent caught us humping in the car. long story short, we have free parking whenever we want! take that abstinence.
i just feel like it would be irresponsible for you to not have sex with me again.
My vagina agrees.
I am actually insulted by the long string of ugly, fat girls he hooked up with after me.
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
could you please explain to me why my jumper cables are on my bedroom floor?
It took him an hour to realize I wasn't this "Sarah" girl, and by then he was already crying and eating pizza rolls.
I got really high and googled the history of Amish people for like an hour.
Nothing says casual like stairwell bjs
Package arrived for me from the gf while she's on vacation..under the bed bondage kit and new lingerie...my boner could drive to the airport
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
Magyver!
336: Dude I lost my.phone Wednesday night at a party and just found it, three days later, on the lacrosse field....what the actual fuck.
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
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