i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
I'm not drunk enough to eat silly string
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
if i actually get asked out by my dealer what could happen?
i don't know, but it probably involves bathtubs full of weed
He invited me over for shower sex and pizza. Officially the best booty call relationship around.
I don't have to hold her hair back as she blows me but I do have to hold the ball on the Santa hat
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
she fell THROUGH the wall. All in all id have to say that my neighbors where pretty chill about it tho.
if you come you're not allowed to wear pants. if you arrive wearing pants you won't be wearing them long.
if you want to know how my night is going I just ugly cried in the cheesecake factory
She was just trying to do dick voodoo. Pretty standard stuff.
Hey now one little girl thought it was cool I was covered in blood. Apparently according to her Mom she wants to be a surgeon when she grows up
i just want to get drunk and cry and have sex with lots of men
She's celebrating a tinder-match-aversary and I'm not about that.
Randomize
