HOLD UP I think she only has eight fingers...
So my mouth tastes like dick. Does that explain how our talk went?
you have to choose: penises or morals?
Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
Fat lady wearing Shape Up's. I would feel bad making crude comments, but she has to know it's coming.
He compliments me like a gay guy and fucks me like a starved nympho. I'm in love.
Sometimes you just need a break, and sometimes you also need to get stoned on these breaks. I sound like some kind of fucked up mr rogers when I say shit like that.
Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
Have you SEEN his girlfriend?? Or talked to her? Christ almighty I'd drink every day just to die let alone black out
So I don't know, I'm not a doctor, but I might be juggling dates with 3 different guys...
So now I know what having sex while surrounded by chickens feels like.
You KNOW it was a good night when you find French fries AND taco remnants in your bra when you get home...
If I could steal your goatee and hide it under my bed to keep your from wearing it, I would.
Randomize
