Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
biggest mistake ever: halloween 2009
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
So you had sex with my brother?
It sounds like you dont need me to answer that.
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
He looks like a fat version of lurch from the adams family and smells like fritos. This is not the caliber man I want pleasuring himself to the thought of me!
This gem of a conversation has been brought to you be weed
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
Regardless of your intentions, deep throating a Twinkie is NOT sexy. You owe that poor cashier an apology the next time you pump gas.
Still trying to figure out where I was when someone broke the lawn chair and put it in the bathroom.
yeah im watching him make his speech now. cant take him seriously tho. hes talking about funding for education and all i can think about is how ive seen what he looks like wearing womens underwear...
I had to get my boss birth control a work today. I knew going to ASU would come in handy in my career someday.
I truly wish I could say I pulled my groin straddling our cab driver but unfortunately I cannot
PSA- Wearing assless chaps results in embarrassingly painful sunburn
The lady at the liquor store in my hometown just gave ran around the corner and gave me a hug when I came back from being gone for a couple months. My life is complete.
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