YEA!!! I'll throw you a non-baby shower.
Apparently throwing up on his dick didnt convince him to stay away . . . whats the most indirect way of saying "im just going to continue avoiding you"?
The walk of shame has never felt more glorious... I think it's the somberero
Do you ever just think "I could really go for a good 30 minute blowjob". I do. Everytime jill smiles.
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
God my Facebook chat is a graveyard of old blowjobz
OHMYGOD did I try to use pinesol as a mixer?
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
Apparently she has a 10 week old kid, which would explain the hallway effect I was feeling.
The cop left me alone after I gave her my spare snow cone. It was a hot and humid day and that uniform looked stuffy. Yay stoner me for overindulging in icy treats.
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
I'm so upset I left my sombrero at the expo center
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
Randomize
