my dad just told me he wants a furry wall in the house... i'm proud and concerned
They had some plan b on the table between the beer and the guacamole. Yeah, it's gonna be a fun party.
I can't believe you just thanked me for a blowjob on my Facebook wall...
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
also, just kill me. literally hit me with a vehicle, or an aircraft, something that will ultimately make me forget tonight.
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
I'm stealing this baby.
Well I always support illegal activity but where would you put it?
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
He handcuffed himself to the keg... D is hooking up with him anyway.
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
You blacked out at 9:30 and insisted on sleeping in the hallway after you chugged an entire pitcher of beer. I guess the Jell-O shots were stronger than we thought...
You think I'll get the "I used to stick it to your daughter" discount?
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
Randomize
