If I pass out leave the food near me so i can wake up to it
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
If a man's penis is referred to as "the family jewels" does that make a woman's vagina a jewelry box?
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
I like the odds of his and my children being professional athletes too. To support me in my old age, see I do think about the future.
At least you have booty calls.
True. I just waste them though. I feel like I need to be told "there are people in this world who would give anything for just one and you have two." You know in that same tone your parents told you about the starving people in china
So I get to my parents and walk in the door so my mom knows I'm safe and alive and my grandpa looks at me and says "were you being someone's bitch". And I about died of laughter
Wow, he seems so solid
It's a fucking menopause festival down here at the strike zone
all I'm saying is that my epic blow jobs have made grown professional football players cry in ecstasy
I just found a half a joint in my bed. . .don't know if this qualifies as a proud moment or a cry for help
I slapped him but he didn't wake up. He just nuzzled my head, hugged me closer, and smiled.
Man, you got so high you own goaled yourself in FIFA then got up celebrating.
You were passed out in the OutBack Bowl Shrimp costume and when we asked you wtf happened you just said On Wisconsin.
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
Randomize
