you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
We sat in your minivan all night in a parking lot pretending we were in the magic school bus going to the sun
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
terrible decisions. terrible terrible terrible decisions.
who'd you have sex with.
Did your dad mention the fact that you asked him for viagra at 2 in the morning?
Dude... You bled on his hand... At this point it doesn't matter that you called him your exes name, seriously.
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
Germany has fetish clubs for everything. We are going to Germany. Germany is our friend.
I'm full of champagne and rage, of course I'm showing up at his house.
how I know last night was a good night: this morning I found a bottle of tapatio, a bag of chicken and a bag of popcorn in my purse.
Coming straight to your house after the flight. If not in Federal Prison for disobeying peanut laws.
We only initially bonded over boobs and sarcasm
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
Randomize
