Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
Woke up naked next to Alex and he was braiding my hair and then commented on how healthy my hair was. I don't even know anymore..
So stoned i forgot i was in bed
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
I hooked up with Spider-Man on the hood of Santas car. I kept saying that he could shoot his web at me. Also I found Waldo. Overall good night.
Please don't buy a buttplug. It won't fill the empty space in your heart.
I can't hang out tomorrow. A boy wants to feed me ice cream and touch my boobs. Priorities.
Because that's what you do with poop. You expect the worst.
Scientific fact: if he makes a face like a demonic dog when he's fucking you, makes it easier to fuck without feelings.
He's watching Always Sunny and eating refried beans straight from the can.
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
I feel so accomplished. I've cleaned my room, done laundry, called those places, gotten jobs, and masturbated.
I'm so proud of you.
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