so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
I don't know why girls would even talk to someone as drunk as I was.
it's all just a bunch of faces and i remember what the floor looked like.
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
His best friend walked in while we were banging, turned on the light, yelled BURN, grabbed his computer to play the Thunderstruck drinking game, turned off the light and left.
btw im making up a story about these stitches..... i think a hockey stick to the face sounds better then i fell up the stairs
Some might say its sad that I am willingly picking up a coke habit to be the skinniest bridesmaid... I think it shows my great dedication and proves I should have been maid of honor.
I don't know at which point last night turned terribly, terribly wrong, but it was somewhere around Motel 6, specifically the parking lot.
Drunk texting with my high school teacher. This hurricane is bringing out the best in everyone!
An hour is enough time for me to get drunk and win a dry hump marathon so I hope you have somewhat similar or better goals
I miss using glorious as an adjective. I'm gonna start doing that again. And I'm gonna try to get cuntatrosphe in there some more, too.
Grateful to be alive soliciting dick pics. Thankful i'm alive for these little things and especially these big ones too.
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
For real his Facebook page says he studied "sexual arts" at some random college I've never heard of. You've been warned.
Went online to check my credit card... $147.87 at Waffle House. $632.36 at "Red Rose Gentleman's Club" and a $1000 cash advance from an ATM. I may no longer be a fiancé.
Randomize
