I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
I'm in my winter jacket and nothing else. very drunk. bring bitches.
It never fails.. every time I have a dick in my mouth he calls me.
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
And next time please put a text between discussing my orgasms and discussing your son - that was weird.
Just so you know swallowing does not help chest colds. Your Phd can suck my dick
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
Apparently nick called me at 3 in the morning looking for you because you ate your keys and ran away..do I need to call an ambulance.
Did I really make a PSA to that garage party that you wanted to bang him?
You gave a whole fucking speech. It was inspiring.
my extended weekend of being as irresponsible as possible started with blowing the bartender in the bar bathroom. off to a good start.
Don't worry, I'm not gonna try making you Eskimo sisters with your mom
I brought her cheeseburgers and tequila but she's still mad at me.
My breath smells like dick and biscuits..
You know he wants it bad when he starts going door to door for condoms.
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