My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
Why can't I find a man that likes bush instead of a vagina that looks like it belongs to a prepubescent child!
Because men are children
Touche
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
how does a 20 year old who hasnt gone through puberty yet score the game winning goal? fuck sidney crosby and his small nuts.
I wish i could put a picture of my ass of my resume...that seems to be the only way i will ever get hired
You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
chimney cleaner pole that expands when button is pushed then pull out. Remember that. We have to patent it.
Who are you high with right now?
He actually just looked up and said I'm gonna cum in my pants. and he did. no shame.
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
Girl, we were harassing people from the top of a building. I don't know how I got down, but I'm eating chocolate cake in my kitchen. Sall good yo.
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
It’s awful. They need to open the bars. I’m now trolling grocery stores looking for dick
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