true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
I'll trade you a raw potato for some vodka
My mom just asked me if I was gay in front of my gf
I got kicked out of a mexican restaurant last night for being too drunk. This is getting dangerously close to rock bottom
I'm currently bartering with this guy so I can fuck his bi girlfriend. We're at 5 pizzas and he gets to watch us make-out.
He has to watch his girlfriends kitten. Even when she is in Vegas, her pussy keeps him from getting into mine.
That's what tomorrow is for. It's like bloodletting. Except with shame and liquor.
I was so drugged up it was amazing, I felt like a dinosaur "because I enjoyed spinach, and I got apple juice and only dinosaurs get apple juice" according to me the day of, and last night I felt like a rocket ship
WTF? Why is there a pic of my tits in ur dad's office?
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
He kept sending me videos of his dogs while I was trying to masturbate. At what point does getting vagina-block apply?
You're the air beneath my wings and the lookout when I pee
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
Have I told you i love you?
there's no need we are two peas in a naughty pod of fuckery
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