On my way, I hope you have alcohol for me to blame stuff on...
so for future reference,at what point did you feel like a line had been crossed?
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
I had this image of some guy in a taco truck down by the IMA accosting you for a peep show.
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
Well I just finished dry heaving so I think breakfast is a little further out for me
When I woke up next to him on the living room floor, my glasses were broken and it felt like someone rubbed a cactus all over my vag
She rode me wearing nothing but a Santa hat. Merriest fucking Christmas!
You stumbled in the door as high as a kite, & ran into the table. I asked you if you were all right. You replied with "I don't have any soup."
You have to commit to sexting. You can't just quit right after I send you pictures of my asshole.
Seriously, come on.
I feel like there's a picture of my ass on the internet right now.
I hate you.
I kept falling all over the place and yelled at the bouncer you can't kick me out I'm from Texas.
This is the Front Desk Lady from the Saturolite Inn. Your friend is passed out in the lobby. Please come help her.
Randomize
