if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
We just got home. I got some malt liqour and a lottery ticket so I'm really doing a lot with my life right now
just fed a duck at the lake a weed brownie. it hasnt moved in 20 minutes.
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
her cat watched me eat her out... I would use the alternate term for both of those things but it's too weird.
so i say "rick dont build that sandcastle" and he "says ok i wont" then i wake up and its sandcastle fucking city all over my apartment
If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
He's going to let me keep his bowl in my car. Does that make us Facebook official?
She said I'm so hungry I could eat a dick and winked at me
Finals drinking + forgeting you had to take your ambien because you work at 6am mid paper= drunk logic which then entails going on a "detox" run. Puking your guts put in the field house bushes while some random guy says to you "its okay. We're marching on."
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
Taking a walk while tripping face during Halloween time was a bad idea. I started crying bc I was so scared and hide in the parks playground.
The last thing I remember was them slipping shots into my beer bong, and me being happy about it
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