that speech was about as successful as her performance in twilight
I love how my cats smell like pot.
She compares her life to Teen Mom. She's 28.
I'm glad I have good healthy relationships with my one night stands
blah blah blah they called me an alcoholic because I threw my beer at a Jesus freak. it was for the best
I have the slightest memory of swinging a bag full of condoms over my head...
When the question of, do you know who's ass has been on the cake you are eating is said... Good or bad party?
Well his dad was his wingman, so I had to fuck him. I didnt want his dad to think that he was doing a bad job and I was drunk enough to think he was doing a good job.
Score one for dad.
She wants to go as a facebook "like" for halloween, but right now her costume looks more like the hamburger helper hand with broken fingers.
she's an english major so her sexts are something i look forward to
Visiting Houston was a good decision for my penis.
You peed on a pole and declared to a cop that it was your pole and yelled at him to not even look at it, and then yelled at all of us for looking at it.
I walked over and you were apologizing to him because you're lady gaga and he's not. The best part was that he forgave you.
one of my coworkers asked me if I was PMSing today...... excuse me sir, but it is none of your business as to what my uterus is or is not doing right now. fucker.
and yea, I'm PMSing.
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
Randomize
