can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
why is there a sandwich nailed to the wall
I wish scraping a resin bowl could be considered cleaning.
This adderall has me convinced I'm an Econ major.
i like to finish this college football season knowing that not once have I had to masturbate to erin andrews
He told me something must be wrong, because no one had seen my boobs yet
You kicked in the door when she was blowing him. You dont remember do you?
He told him to "throw up in my mouth like I'm a baby bird."
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
Did u smell a guys dreadlocks in the McDonald's drive thru line last night or did I dream that?
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
wow bdsm is so cute
I just found a ladybug shell in my underwear. What was I doing last night?
annnnd thats why you don't tip your waiter by flashing them
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