she just sneezed while going down on me. is it rude for me to ask her to do it again?
Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
drunk...on the white house tour...security is staring. this will not end well.
I am in my freshman residence hall trying to convince an Asian man to give me my pants back. Never. Drinking. Again.
I hear sloppy seconds go great with fried rice
Straight guys just can't stay away. My penis must have pheromones or something.
I just watched in amazement as you had a full conversation about water temperature and bacteria with your pet goldfish.
You know, we cock-blocked like 5 people last night. It's like we're her vagina goalies
My purpose is to unleash drunk self on strangers, i believe as some terrifying icebreaker, otherwise i too would offer my driving services.
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
And thanks for putting me in that safety position on the bathroom floor while I was spooning the toilet
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
well i blew him then my wife blew him, so im guessing we'll be seeing him around, yeah
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