maybe i get so drunk and make stupid mistakes cuz Subconsiously im preparing for my real world debut
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
I like to think of you as more a magic eight ball of my life's journey?
Please just fuck her. She's new to LA and doesn't know anyone nice.
i told her i wanted to be the Neil Armstrong of her vagina,
We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.
SUNS OUT COOCHY OUT
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
Me too...I'm driving to work trying to figure out if I put my pants on the right way.
I don't think it's ever a good night if I'm this hung over and I didn't even get an orgasm out of the deal...
You know it's NBA season when you compare head to 3 pointers.
I loaned him a tie and then had to tie it for him. I'm like his weird lesbian girlfriend.
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
Randomize
