ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
We're having the conversation about what happened last night, all we can come up with is that we came home, drank two litres of lemonade, I took one of her seizure pills and we fell asleep with sabrina the teenage witch on
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
I made Mark strip for me and do a stripper dance. I put 2 dollars in his mouth
The less money I spend on drugs, the happier my mom will be.
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
i made this one couple from ohio so uncomfortable that they left....and that was WHEN I HAD PANTS ON
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
I just remembered that we had an in-depth conversation about how it was too stressful to wear pants.
I am a delicate flower. A fucked up, drunk, horny, pants pissing, delicate little flower.
I told him I was on my period but he says "I'm a doctor, you think I can't handle blood?" And just went for it. Jackpot
After an orgasm, I always feel the urge to sing A Whole New World from the move Aladdin and I'm not quite sure why.
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