Take xtc, wait 20 minutes and then take a shower. Trust me.
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
it was like that last scene in "It's A Wonderful Life" but with alcohol
It got to the point that I had to make flashcards with their name on the front and dick pics on the back.
Were going to have to vacuum the bathtub, great party
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
I just tried on my "outfit" for tonight and I should just wear sweatpants and a sign on my face that says I like it in the ass. That would be more comfortable
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
You shut your whore mouth, we don't talk about Drunk Nutella night.
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
It's not "nice." It's the supermodel of dicks.
please tell me you're the one making all the weird noise in the yard..
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
Randomize
