Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
My fingers feel amazing. Their going like 100 MPH!!
HOLY SHIT. SHIT THAT IS HOLY. HOLY OF THE SHIT.
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
Build a thousand brigdes, lick one butthole. What am I remembered for? Buttholelicking.
Finding an empty bathroom to shit on campus is like the quest for the fucking Holy Grail. Except with more stench and humiliation.
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
Look, you're talking to the wrong girl here. Tacos>dick always and forever
So what happened at girls night? My roomate found me passed out locked out on the front steps of the house and it was raining. Yes low moment
We're getting a bucket of chicken and screwing around, so no, you can't join us.
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