The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
Apparently mid blow job I started crying telling her how "Wonderful this blow job is"
He told me he loved me mid lick. Anyone that can look at me from that angle, lick my vagina, and say they love me must absolutely mean it
At Grandmas for dinner. She is drinking a smirnoff ice. As soon as I saw it I had to stop myself from yelling chug.
i gave her a can of corn and told her the cabs are accepting non perishable food items over the holidays. blatant lie and she lives like $40 away
she named my penis "gigantor the baby arm"
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
The guy who was The Count on Sesame Street died this week too. Therefore, you should take multiple shots, count them, & go "ahh aaahh aaaahhh" after each one. I expect video...
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
But I'm a half a mile from my bed. And I have the hiccups. I hate hiccups.
I dont understand why so many people are content staying in and avoiding alcohol and sex
My mom is coming to visit today & it's giving me anxiety. I feel like she can see through me & into the whore I've become.
Yes we can sext. I'm taking my socks off.
Who knew removing piercings would be so radical?
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
Randomize
