Sundresses, hats, and big glasses. That is the greatest trick the devil ever taught women.
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
I think it was our ex-neighbor Mike. He leaves Taco Bell outside our door a lot
He'll drop off his extra tacos at our place bc he's super high when he orders & can't eat them all
i think the penis that was inside of me changed my life
It was a cry at the bar alone type of night, served with a side of passing out facedown in my nachos.
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
You're obviously not trying hard enough. GET LAID. Kittens die for less.
Touche salesman.
I feel like I have to sign a death waver before I have sex with him...
While running home from the bar in high heels I multi- tasked and sexted with Brent. Jesus.
Not blacking out at our finals party is my Everest
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
Shroomed with my best friend'a dad at his wife's surprise birthday party so you can say I have experience in the field
You know what id love more than anything right now? ..a back rub while eating biscuits and gravy
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
Randomize