i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
69 is so not fun when his penis is sporting a 70s hairstyle
sometimes i think what itd be like to be a firework
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
Ssssssssssshhhhhhhhhhhiiiiiiii!iiiiiiiiiitttttttttttttttssssssssssssshhhhhhhhooooooooowwwwwww. Letters for emphaSSIIISISEEEE!
he drunk texted me to give me his number with the message "i gotchu pretty eyeso" i can't tell if he's complimenting me or himself.
I met her at the quidditch match. She was the snitch and I caught her. After at the bar she walked up grabbed my hand and said snitches have flesh memories.
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
You cannot meet up with him at the tailgate, his parents are there. What are you going to say "Hi I'm the one who fucks your son, can I get a cheeseburger?"
I feel like my vagina was just in a fistfight.
Not really how I planned to achieve immortality, but I'll take it.
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
I Never thought my late 30s would end up with me getting eaten out on a desk in the managers office of a lululemon, but I guess being a franchise owner has its perks!
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