My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
he told me it was because of the roids, but i couldn't tell if he meant ster or hem.
So we tried to 69 with him on top. NEVER TRY IT. His balls were in my eyes and it was terrifying.
So, halfway through sex he stops and starts crying. He said he's worried god hates him for all his bad decisions...think he meant to imply I was one of them...
I didn't sleep with her. I'm boycotting arizona and she's from phoenix.
Just woke up. My philosophy paper is a play, and my paper for musical theater is about physics. That's some dank shit you sold me
Asking him not to sleep with other girls is like asking me not to have my period apparently
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
My TA is here with a sombrero and an entire bottle of Svedka. Skip jury duty.
It was like the icing on a beautiful fuck boy cake.
Just laying in bed, snuggling my cat, and pondering whether I'd like to attend a swingers party this evening...
That's good to know, because I will be doing terrible things to you. Terrible things, John, wicked, evil, maniacal things shall happen to you and I will have the audacity to call it sex
STILL COMPLETELY OKAY WITH THIS
you blew the guy with all the harry potter paraphanelia didn't you
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
Randomize
