i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
Note to self not a good idea to try and make out with a girl when she's crying over her boyfriend
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
All I remember is mattress sliding down the stairs while giving him a blow-job. Sorry you had to witness the incident.
Breakfast tacos?
YOU ARE A FOUNTAIN OF GREAT IDEAS
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
There should be a rule.......that if you have a small penis you must wear a hat with propellers on it so you can fly the hell off the planet.
I'm trying. I feel like we're trying to have sex with fruitcake. dry and boring.
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
My dad told me to bring weed to easter Sunday dinner..
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
She fucked the dishwasher AND the manager.
Well, she isn't a classist. You've got to give her that.
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Randomize
