Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
Youre on making sure I dont black out around fat chicks duty
I held his ankles while he hung off the top bunk attempting to get my pillow that fell off.
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
I took a few sips of my hugeee bottle of liquid Vicodin and smoked my one hitter and now I'm going thru my attic like Indiana Jones
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
Porn. Physics. Porn. Icecream. Porn. That's my life now.
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
There will always be a place in my black heart for him because he gave me my first sex-induced orgasm. While you slept on the bunk above.
It was a great idea until we got stuck in a ditch. We had to call redneck cousin 1
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
I HATE HIM SO MUCH I HOPE HE GETS IN SOME WEIRD ACCIDENT WHICH MAKES IT IMPOSSIBLE FOR HIM TO NUT
You know shits really hit the fan when you start using public bathroom air freshener spray as perfume
what? where are you?
You really do take on your dog's personality she sounded like her pug breathing when we were going at it.
Randomize
