Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
He invited you over for Super Sexy Saturday and Cosmos... I'm pretty sure that's gay
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
I pulled my bra out of my dress and handed it to my mom..at cocktail hour during the wedding.
Well it's been 24 hours and I still feel like a mammoth sat on my balls
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
Build a thousand brigdes, lick one butthole. What am I remembered for? Buttholelicking.
Is "I am going to murder you if you keep sending me requests that I cannot fulfill" unprofesh?
he sent me the greatest dick pic I've ever received.
he actually took the time to cut a fingertip off of a glove then put it on his dick like a beanie. he called it hipster dick.
I just used Bacardi to dry out poison ivy.
I love the smell of your bedroom. It smells of a mixture of cherries, leather, and unrequited homosexual desire.
I got her number but I don't think I'll be able to smash, I was pretending to be British AND I forgot her name
Dilemma. I'm out of wine and I can't put on clothes to go to the liquor store bc I just got spray tanned. If this isnt white girl problems I don't know what is.
Randomize
