Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
What's the kids name that was drinking stale beer and redbull out of the blender?
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
Printed off fake 'Producer' Sundance badges for us. Pretty sure they double as free passes for getting laid by 'actresses'. Testing this theory tonight.
This dude has my number from April last year. Drunk me left sober me a puzzle. No confirmation of pants off business
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
He rubbed my back afterwards. I forgot how to talk and I legitimately thought I was a cat for a few minutes.
I fill condoms, not promises.
THANK YOU for not letting me make out with that girl omfg I was one step away from a foursome in the handicapped stall
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
still not dressed at 5:00, jacking off watching men's figure skating and hoping my weird roommate doesn't walk in. anybody who says idk how to have fun is wrong
It makes me feel all patriotic & free... And borderline diabetic.
He had a cruise ship of a dick and I need to set sail on that ocean again
For the record, if you sneeze while you have a dildo in your vagina and you dont have a good grip on it, that thing can get some distance.
Randomize
