Having kids is risky. They might end up weird.
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
Ya know, I lied. I wouldn't mess with him. Not because of the crazy/rehab issues... but because he wears tank-tops.
just saw way to many penises for it being 5 o'clock on a thursday
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
She called all of my friends to find out where I was last night. 7 out of ten said their place.
Just thought i'd let you guys know that my dad was roofied at a lesbian bar last night...
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
So I thought the party was crazy before his pinky came off...
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
You then played what you called "a smooth jazz rendition of talk dirty to me" all thrusting your crotch at the bartender. Mom looked horrified, but my dad couldn't stop laughing
Just had my butthole waxed. If that changes your plans for Saturday..
He called me 'pal' while complimenting how well I took his load on my face. I've officially been fuckbuddy-zoned.
I don't need romance, I need cheese sticks
Stop trying to mix nacho cheese and sex. Guys don’t want hot cheese near their junk. Pick a better fetish
Randomize
