A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
She called me Jeff during sex, I just kept going like nothing happened. To think, if I was a woman that would be a problem.
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
please just be careful, i just switched my facebook status to "in a relationship", i would look really pathetic if i had to change it back to "single" already
It's not like I'm never gonna put out again. I'm a sure thing. I promise.
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
the creek. my friends left me at a party next thing i know im in a breaststroke relay race with a bunch of randos in the dark
We ended up debating which Food Network host would do best in porn.
I was like a migrating bird last night. Navigating on pure instinct. Don't remember how... but I made it home.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
STOP WHATEVER YOU ARE DOING AND GO OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW. THE MOON LOOKS LIKE CATWOMAN
My vagina is officially offended.
I have a corndog on my dresser and a trashcan of puke. Thanks for a great night!
Randomize
