I asked her if she watches the office. She said no, but do you watch I'm a celebrity get me outa here? That's when i knew. Deal breaker
remind me not buy ky at kmart ever again. Had to get a manager to open the locked case. then he stood there and watched me look through the selection
I hate that ur telling me this.
I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
I want to break his glasses with my pelvis.
Eating a popsicle in the shower was the best idea I've had in ages.
He never broke character while fucking me on the neighbor's lawn. I give him a 10 for his dedication to the British accent.
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
I don't know. I just thought I'd put my drinks in my bag and go on an adventure. Like a drunk Bilbo Baggins.
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
Just had a reminder come up that just said "Ham"
Randomize
