Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
btw, but what hole was i in last night? wanna know if i have to worry
you kept slapshing your drinks on people saying the power of christ compels you.
Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
Just hide your weed in your baby brothers shirt. TSA wont check a baby, thats fucked up
We need to talk about our relationship.
I just won a bet involving 10 tequila shots. You've got about 3 minutes
Hypothetically, how much legal trouble do you think i will be in for stealing someone's dog?
A surprise thumb up the ass and I'm wide awake. She was right, no need for caffine pills I could fight ninjas now.
You rolled around in the grass BEFORE we went in and said it was because "ladies love that eau de earth"
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
Pooping with Eye of the Tiger playing. Not a single fuck shall be given.
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
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