I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
Definitely contact high. Thirty miles an hour listening too i can see clearly now wanting too eat the steering wheel
I think I reached optimum potential when I summersaulted straight into a kiddie pool.
No, earlier you attempted Jenga with everyones shoes.
Just broke my collar bone. May not make it to the party.
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
I'm home alone drinking wine, so high, scrubbing my house down... This is what my thirsty thursday has become
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
They think its so cute and admirable that I learned French. BITCH HAVE YOU NEVER HEARD OF GOOGLE TRANSLATE? sexting foreign bitches, there's an app for that
Sent him a nude and I forgot to crop out the Jesus picture in the background. The Catholic guilt is too real.
Oh Jesus our whore days are numbered
I was sitting here smiling wondering why i'm so fucking happy at work. cookie has kicked in
What's the rule for getting in fights with homeless men in suits?
Here's a rule: don't
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
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