you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
just took my temp. 103. i wonder how tylenol and jager bombs are gonna mix
New plan, instead of sleeping with her, I'm just going to use her to sleep with the entire sorority.
The lesbians are drunkenly meowing in the hallway again. This is the shit I'll miss at home.
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
Mass text to all of my back up boy toys. First one here wins. Mama needs some.
Did you fuck him in my garden last night?
That WOULD explain the dirt in my vagina
Let's get weird.
It's 10 am...
I'm assuming that means you're not busy...
THE CEO RESPONDED TO THE MEMO WITH HIS "UNICORN" EMAIL ADDRESS AND NOW HE'S APOLOGIZING TO EVERYONE FOR USING HIS PERSONAL EMAIL AT WORK.
I've had sex with three people who have this birthday.
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
My breath smells like dick and biscuits..
Sorry I had sex in your backseat while everyone was in the car
It's quite alright. I found his shorts in my backseat, not sure what he was wearing when we dropped him off
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