my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
we are going to smoke at least three blunts before we go see Cloudy with a chance of meatballs. I'm going to have my mom make us spaghetti for when we get out so can your mom make those spicy meatballs? I thought I'd give you 9 days notice so everything's perfect.
In an effort to go green, I just used rainwater to fill my bong.
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
this stripper weighs a pound. I feel like I should tip her in food.
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
Be proud. You give fat lesbians everywhere shower-nozzle worthy material for weeks on end.
can i text him and be like "oh yeah, forgot i kinda made out with a girl this weekend. For future reference, does this count as cheating?" ?
You screamed "There's a potato in my anus" and proceeded to attempt to grind with the bouncer. Also, I'm pretty sure our Chem teacher was in the same bar as us.
we got kicked out of her coke dealer's house when we wouldn't stop quoting "a league of their own"
communist
Come on down you're the next contestant on "lets go drinking!"
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
All I know is that I woke up with glitter all over me and blood on my shoes. It wasn't my blood.
Of course that's what I'm wearing. I need to find a beard to mount and ride STAT.
Randomize
