I wont touch it. I promise i wont touch it. JUST GET UNDER THE DAMN TABLE PLEASE.
I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
No. one of us needs a degree and I am already the alcoholic friend. I can't do everything
I am drinking at a movie theater seeing a children's movie, 2nd time this week
I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
PLEASE. I won't throw up on the floor this time. Or fuck in the bathroom. Or dance on the pool table. So PLEASE.
Let me begin to explain the rest of last night by beginning with saying that out if necessity I took a pair of your underwear
I walk in and my mom has a Christian workout program playing. It's like, gospel music with an "electronic" beat to go with it. And then they try to save your soul at the end. I hate being home.
Just broke my no shot rule again.. Made out with a stranger. That's 0 for 3 this month for the record
i refuse to take responsibility for eating Chuck E Cheese pizza and having any other repercussions than the shits.
She actually made an event on facebook for tomorrow when she does a pregnancy test, 8 people are attenting so far
A dozen naked frat boys in squirrel masks just ran by. Welcome to the official start of the holidays.
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