he started yelling "squirt for me" then his girlfriend knocked on the door and told us to keep it down
i'm not really understanding how she couldn't figure out it was him
i just picked a peanut m&m up off the floor. with my toes. and then proceeded to eat it.
He tried to eat me out in the bath... I said it was a bad idea, but he said it was good snorkelling practice for vaca.
Underwear, t-shirt, bottle of Pinot Grigio and Golden Girls. I've hit a new level of homosexual.
It's like a new game! Find out if he's circumcised without actually seeing it
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
He has an accent when he types. I can *hear* the schnitzel. Especially when he's drunk.
Now you can NEVER tell anyone that on thanksgiving I took a selfie of my pussy to prove they don't get worse with babies.
I smell like heartbreak.
Tequila and sloppy rebound sex?
How did you know?
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
So I wore my ankle step-counter exercise thingy while I rode him. Don't fuck him- I only burned .2 pounds.
I added our drug dealer to the quickbooks software babe, he is listed under vendor's as an expense category... money management is such a bitch...
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