I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
I closed that bar. Sang every Beatles song in the book. Made Somoan friends.
His appology was" look at it this way, at least you'll give better head without those teeth.'
still drunk. talking shit to the doc drawing my blood. this has no upside
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
i decided what we are doing for your 21st b-day: camelbacks filled with margaritas
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
Just successfully invited my mom to a drag show. If that doesnt say "im gay" then idk what will.
Don't get me wrong, the sex itself is amazing, but I don't think I will EVER get used to her habit of singing lines Jesus christ super star when she is about to cum.
I couldn't finish the episode and had to lay down because the snapple commercial with the mustache was blowing my mind
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
She was here for a threesome... She doesn't have to put the new roll of toilet paper on the dispenser. She can leave the new roll wherever she wants!
IF THE SUNS NOT EVEN OUT THEN WHY IS HIS DICK OUT WTF
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
