my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
We got back together. The pastures weren't greener on the other side, the dicks were just smaller
I HAVE MY OWN TITS FOR THAT AND I CAN GUARANTEE THAT THEYRE MORE GLORIOUS
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
She sat on the stairs and yelled sex positions at us. I don't remember if we went along with it but judging by the beer and condoms I'm thinking yes.
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
There's a fried egg and an empty bottle of reddiwhip in the parking lot. Did you have fun last night?
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
Well I have rug burns in both armpits, somehow. So yes you should have been here
you can only text me tonight if its in drake lyrics. thats the rule
Are you okay?
I went home with a 38 year old guy in a kilt, do I look okay!
Yeah. I couldn't figure out why my toes hurt. Apparently, the guy I was dancing with, kept running them over with his wheelchair.
So my plane's delayed and some guy is talking to "sparkles" he just told her to never again sell drinks from her cleavage. This is why I don't go home
I just didn't expect to have anal in a retail store at 9 AM on a Tuesday.
Randomize
