My own mom unfriended me on Facebook.
I kept telling myself all night that it was completely okay for me to lose all sense of my morals because it was my birthday.
he just kept saying "come on iron man, you can do this!" to himself the whole time..
U shoulda just taken her to a stall and banged her and let me watch the game. Some friend u r.
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
and now there are teeth marks on my dick.
I found the hair cut I want on the girl in the porno I'm watching. now really sure how to show my stylist.
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
I don't like how my gyno is telling me how to live my life.
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
Is it weird that I'm smoking a cig on my back patio in a sports bra and underwear?
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
I guess I called her at 2am, demanding that she bring us food. She told us to order pizza, and I yelled "DON'T MENTION PIZZA!" I recall nothing.
Randomize
